I'll Skip the Stairway to Heaven

Heaven. Seriously, what gives? Why would we exist to only spend one life time on earth and eternity somewhere else? What do we do in heaven? Just hang out? Are we only allowed to do holy things? I mean, obviously, sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll wouldn’t be happening up there. So would we just chat with other dead people? What would we talk about? After only one life, we would surely run out of things to say after the first 100 days. Would dead celebrities want to talk to us? Would we get to hang out with “god” or would “he” still be too good to talk to us? What would we look like? Would we have clothes on? Would we have to wear the clothes we died in or would our clothing change with the styles down on earth? Or....would we be naked? Would we be bubbles bouncing around doing absolutely nothing? Would we be in our own little dream state doing mindless stuff that doesn’t really serve a purpose since we are dead and we can’t really help change anyone’s lives or the world? If you take the religious aspect of heaven (excluding nirvana) what would heaven look like? Would we decide what it looks like? Then what would happen if my dead friend came up to me? Would they see the same things I am seeing or would my view of heaven alter theirs or they mine? Would we go on walks? Where would we go to? Would we sit, or would we even need to sit? Would we have to eat? If we didn’t have to eat, would those who die fat stay fat in heaven? Where is heaven? Up in the stars? Why can’t the Hubble see it? Is it in another dimension? How does that dimension open up when we die? How does it know when to open up and how do we know how to find it?

Some parts I can see why people would want to believe in heaven, but it seriously does not make any sense to me. It seems very depressing. Like a dream I can’t escape. Even if nothing bad is happening, you can’t feel true joy without the opposite. You would just exist and that doesn’t sound like a place I would like to be. Please don't use the "we aren't meant to know yet" because that means you have no answer and that you are going on blind faith alone. To say you don't know is one thing, but to say that after you state something with such conviction is silly.

An Open Letter

When I was little, my parents never told me they were Democrats or whatever. They tought me what was important in life and that was to take care of yourself, respect others, and try to help out when you can. I want people to love who they want (and yes, two STRAIGHT people can be in love and not have a little Christian marriage), die when they want if they are terminally ill, follow the religion they want or none at all. I want to make sure that all of us have all the same chances as everyone else as long as they are willing to work for it. Yes, people who are hardworking can be poor and those who are wealthy can be the laziest person around. Wealth does not equal success, it's how hard you push yourself and how well you treat others. I didn't consider the ideals my parents taught me to be associated with one polical ideal or another, but when it comes down to it, I start to wonder. I have many friends and family that fall on the conservative line and I enjoy their company. Yet it does disturb me that some of their beliefs are focused around self-serving ways. It could be that they are misunderstanding something and I do know they are good people, but when I hear some of those people shout out at those town hall meetings, I feel a little sad that there are people in our country that get that angry over our country, the United States of America, trying to take care of everyone.

Dear conservative,

Why is it you condone the torture of another human being for the “safety” of your country, yet fight with fury to prevent all of your brothers and sisters from being covered by health insurance at the falsely rumored chance it would inconvenience you?

You also want to take control over a woman’s body and/or someone who is terminal based solely on your mythical/religious belief yet are all for killing a human who is scientifically alive and conscious?

You claim you have the right to your beliefs yet expect the entire country to follow your ideal and your ideal only. Liberty would allow all to live the life they want as long as they are not hurting anyone else, yet conservatism would constrict everyone to one way despite their personal beliefs.

But to stick on the health care issue, I am just flabbergasted beyond belief that you go on and on about someone with cancer being dropped because they are sick and so on. Do you people know what insurance companies do? They do that horrid thing to people all of the time because they are allowed to. People go into debt because they are unfortunate enough to get sick. Even though they pay an arm and a leg on a monthly basis to be “covered”, on a whim their insurance company can decide they don’t want to continue to cover them and they love to pull out that “pre-existing condition” clause. And if you think that is bad, what about the folks who don’t have anything? Insurance companies are private businesses who only has to answer to themselves. Hell, I know how much I get screwed over by my wireless and television company. They change their fees and rules all of the time and I end up paying up the ass because they say so and I still want to keep what I have. Thank god it is for recreational uses and not something like my health...BUT that is exactly the kind of game the insurance companies play with you all. Like I’ve always said: I can vote to change the leaders of this country, but can’t do a damn thing about a fat cat CEO of a company.

Oh and even if it was true the wait time would be longer because all these people could go to the doctor, what type of person are you to say your life is more important than anyone else’s? That is especially for all you so-called Christians. You only consider those who are straight Christian white men who earn an x amount worthy of protection.

I want us all healthy. I want us all to have equal access to education. I want us all to not be judged by how much we have but how much we do. I want us all to be who we want to be and live our lives according to our own paths and beliefs as long as we do no harm to others. And please, something inside someone elses body is part of THEIR body and you cannot use your religious 'beliefs' to make legal and scientific claims...and also you cannot tell me two people in love hurt you if they don't fall into your safe category. We do not want companies running ourlives (and a lot of them do control a large part of our country), we want our country protect us from entities like that. For a strong country, we need to take care of each other.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

I don't like posting anything personal, because once it's out there it's out there for anyone to read. Sometimes I don't mind, but when it comes to showing my insecurities, that is one thing I don't like.

I am just so flustered lately. Working 7 days a week none stop is wearing me down. I love the film with a passion. Although I work 26 hours or more on set, when I am there I feel like there is a purpose. I might not see pay for awhile, but there is a reason I am there. I am contributing to a creative effort. No matter how hard it can get, I feel at ease. At my day job, I love everyone I work with and I love the benefits. I just feel that lately I am slacking (which is ironic because I've been putting in OT). I just feel like I could do more. Maybe I don't feel like I am putting my full effort into things and because of my job role transitioning to sales and recruiting, I am letting my ego get in the way. I went from having my own set of tasks while doing a little support, to full blown support and I feel like I may be resentful. I shouldn't feel like that. Even if I do feel like I am having too much pushed on me, I need to buck up. Work isn't my life, but it is a necessity to live it. I just need a moment to breath and start over. It's never too late to start everything over like it is brand new. I am just always afraid people are thinking I am lazy or not wanting to take orders. I would hate for someone to think that about me. I constantly feel like I am letting people down and I am just Miss Fumbles around doing half ass work and can't remember simple basic things. I don't want to be perfect, but I don't want my "best" to be less then everyone else.

How can I get out of this rut? I'm not complaining that I work 66 hours in a week. It's a necessity and it's what I gotta do. I just need to know how I can have passion with all that I do and have that fresh feeling.

Fate VS Direction

Why is it when things go wrong in life we tell each other that everything happens for a reason but when we accomplish great things we say it is due to hard work?

Following Your Bliss

Blog after blog I keep reading of 20-somethings who have a similar theme disguised as the quarter life crisis of what to do with my life but is greatest question that we all ask regardless of our age: What is the meaning of life?

As kids we love to play without worrying about looking foolish, but we dream of being a big kid, a teen. We dream of driving around in our own car. Once we are in high school we enjoy some reckless times but dream of the day we can go to college and take control of our own lives and be independent. In college we dream of that career we are told we must have to buy our own car, our own home, and make us financially secure because we are told that is what will make us happy.

The only trouble is nothing ever turns out the way you plan it. And honestly, I think it's the things that take us by surprise that give us true satisfaction. We we could plan out everything what would be the excitement in that? Sadly the American culture tells us all we must have certain things by a certain time in order to consider ourselves successful. The only bright side of this economic downturn is that more and more are going thru the same struggles with money and having to reevaluate what will make them truly happy, and sometimes it's not things but what we do that counts.

I was raised middle class. I didn't have everything, but I never really wanted for anything. My family always made sure I never did without but never indulged what I didn't really need and never left me with a feeling of self entitlement. I knew the value of a dollar and I never took anything I was given for granted. I've spoke of this before, but I think it is very important aspect of who I am as a person: I grew up with parents who where very different. They were both very open-minded, kind, liberal parents who never shied away about talking about their past shenanigans and the fun side of drugs. They never said, "because I told you so" but shared with me why so I could understand. My mom worked since she was 19 for the government and only retired a few years ago. She wanted a steady job that could support her loved ones-but she still loved her life. She never desired a specific career goal-her passion was with her family. My dad on the other hand was born with the very rare gift of artistic ability. Many can have creative ideas, but he was truly talented when it came to sculpting, painting, drawing, and scratch boarding. He never had to work at it-it was as natural to him as breathing oxygen.

He wanted to live off his art and only his art. It took him until his mid 50's to realize not everyone can live off of their passion - especially when they don't actively pursue it. This gave me a very real example of HOW I wanted to live my life, but yet I still didn't know for sure how I wanted to enjoy it. I loved the arts and I knew that was my bliss - particularly film. Ever since I was a little girl playing with my daddy's camera I knew I wanted to entertain people and as I wrote out stories I knew the combination of the two would be the ideal for me.

I also knew that the arts didn't always pay that well and I knew I wanted key things like health insurance, healthy food, and a roof over my head. I also needed to live in an area away from my hometown where I could feed my passion. I'm trying to do both and I don't know if I ever can live off my bliss, but I do know it is a very large part of my life and I will keep trying. I know that I am enjoying all the people I've met and all the stories I've heard.

I also enjoy all the stories I am making-

My first winter in Seattle and Jing and I arm locked as we walked in amazement at all the people downtown and all the beautiful Holiday decorations downtown.

Special baking sessions with Jing and then singing Michael Jackson, Bryan Adams, and Brooks & Dunn songs with beers in our hands.

Almost getting hit my Keith Urban's tour bus (and rescuing Heath) and having to walk all the way back to my apartment downtown in the middle of the night with creepy bums following us. We then get home and eat my dear friend's (and then-roommate) pizza. Ya Jing, we ate it and we enjoyed it!

Driving around the scariest parts of Vancouver with zombie-like people hitting our car.

Waiting for the last shot of a film while this local stumbles out of a bar and is telling us how he's a pirate as he starts to bark (like a dog complete with growling) and insult us.

Being in the mall during the shooting and being so shook up after hitching a ride out of the parking lot with two strangers. Trying to relax I enjoy some sushi with friends but have a guy come up to them and poke his eyeballs out before walking away to do it to the next person.

Going to a place where a murder took place way out in the middle of nowhere.

Laughing so hard after 13 hours of shooting and nothing going smoothly but enjoying all the blood and guts.

There is much more, but that is just a snippet of why I love my life. I've met my dad's friend whose clients included Michael Jackson, Elton John, George Harrison and Cher. I've had a beer with musician who's dad is one of my favorite country singers (who my dad did an album cover for) and is engaged to an actress from one of my favorite TV shows. I've met people who have worked on blockbuster films and people who have worked on local indies but have the most amazing experiences to tell and the most knowledge to share. I've met people who aren't anyone famous but have seen things I can only dream of. I've done some things that many in my home town haven't and I want to continue going on adventures like the people I meet. I want to take risks without being careless. I don't want to give up my dream but I don't want to work so hard I'm not enjoying the trip there. I know nothing will be handed to me on a silver platter, but if an opportunity is there I'm not going to shy away from it because it's too scary or too much work.

So in conclusion the answer to the ultimate question is: The experience. Follow your dreams, but know the stories you may make a long the way may be more important then the goal you have in mind. Things change and so does your idea of happiness. I may never have my own car or own my own home, but I do know I will never have any regrets. I will know that I lived my life to the best of my ability and had fun. I want to have stories to tell and not dreams of what I could have done. I enjoy all the concerts, movies, laughs, dinners, drinks, lazy days, random happenings, hikes, drives, people, dancing, and fun I can. I may not believe this is the only life I have to live (hello reincarnation) but I want to do as much as I can with this one so I can learn a little bit more before the next.