6 Years LOST

*Cracks knuckles*

Yeah this blog is pathetic, I know. I've been in the midst of changing jobs, moving, yadda yadda yadda....Anywho, ranting is a good enough reason to log back in and post something. So let's have at it!

I've said this before but I will say it again. Although I am a film student and lover of film and television, I've never been one of those snooty a-holes that turn their nose up to the summer blockbuster and will only watch and supposedly enjoy (even though I think they are pretending to make themselves appear superior) complex, boring, indie films that no one but their moron pretentious a-hole friends and themselves get. Now don't get me wrong. I love the mainstream to the bizarre. As long as I go in semi prepared for it I'm cool. I hate being lured in to what appears to be an action-packed on the edge of your seat film only to find myself dozing in and out. Or going into what appears to be a comedy but then have it be a ball-less, Lifetime special, Nicholas Sparks crap. Like when M*A*S*H, Murphy Brown, and Ellen all got too preachy. I'm all for anti-war messages, breast cancer awareness, and equal rights. But if I wanted to watch that sappy message crap, I wouldn't turn on a sitcom.

Don't get me wrong. I love being very pleasantly surprised by the little known flick that I happen to catch on IFC. That doesn't bother be a bit. I don't mind surprises like that. I welcome the far and few in between shockers that totally alter my perspective. I don't say no to films or TV shows based on popularity, normality (or lack there of). I like everything from Lord of the Rings to Velvet Goldmine. Firefly to Flight of the Conchords.

However...I don't like to be mislead. THAT pisses me off. That being said, by now the title of this post and all that I have posted up until now you should know where this is going. So in case you are one of the poor souls that missed last night's BS fest and still want to wast two hours of your life, turn back now. Otherwise, sit down and shut up. I'm about to begin my mega rant.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. First off, I think Dubya could have scribbled out a better plot line in a coked-up daze then those LOST turds. This is when I really want to have a time traveling DeLorean. Not to go back in time and stop Hitler or any other evil historical figure, but so I can go back to 2004 and warn myself not to bother with that pilot premiering on ABC with Merry in it. That it's not ever going to be fulfilling and that I will only waste hours of my precious youth with a headache trying to figure out what's going on (why watch LOST when you can go to parties for that?).

Like I said, I don't need some masterpiece theater that causes my mind do a 180. I enjoy plot twists like that, but it's not necessarily a requirement. If I enjoy the characters and if I feel like their fake lives on the show were meaningful and have come to a completion, I am happy (even when it's too soon like Stargate: Atlantis or Buffy). See, those aren't any HBO hardcore shows. They were fun. Bad guys vs the good guys with great funny yet complex characters I cared about. They win in the end even though not all make it out, and I'm still left satisfied knowing that the show came full circle. That everything they went thru was for a reason. Understandably, not all shows get the grace of time to tie in all the lose plots. Moonlight for example had a glimmer of a chance to be renewed, so they ended in a semi-cliff hanger. You got some closure, but you were still left wondering what could have been. BTW, way to go you jerk-offs at CBS. Now vampires are the extremely "In" thing and you missed out on this hot trend. AND....AND you had a way hotter vampire than that baggy-eyed bill or "I'm mister smelly with dirty hair and no emotion on my ugly limey (no offense to my UK friends) face". Now you keep tossing poor Alex O'Loughlin back and forth between stupid fails (Yeah, Hawaii 5-0 sounds like a good idea!!) because you know he can keep viewers but you failed to realize that it also takes a good story. LIKE MOONLIGHT!!! I wish he would off give a big ol "EFF YOU" to CBS and went to True Blood. He obviously doesn't shy away from raunchy scenes and we could see him nakey (instead of Bill) once a week! Woo!

Ok....As I was saying, shows like Angel, which I thought REALLY picked up season 5 (HELLO DYNAMIC DUO SPIKE AND ANGEL! Mmmmm....Spike...who's apparently really old and fat now.....so now it's really too late to do anything with him...ok so he was another hot vampire...that was better than stupid boring pointless ugly Edward) found out mid-season they were canceled. WHY DO YOU HATE JOSS SO???? He > LOST tards and a network gave them 6 years. SIX YEARS OF STUPID LIES!!!! Anyways, they had a really spiffy plot line going that you knew was going to lead up to Spike becoming human and Forehead being all pissy about it because he finally realizes he didn't chose to have his soul so he wasn't really a good guy he was just a bed buddy for Buffy until she found her true love Spike...WHO FOUGHT for his soul and was truly a good guy...and was funny and didn't have a big forehead...So yeah they didn't get to wrap that up at all and it ended in one of those "WTF?" scenes...but at least it wasn't Angel waking up to realize he's a mental patient who dreamed this all up. Regardless of how quick they had to wrap it up, they did a better job then those "writers" who knew they had a six LONG years to tie everything together. Seriously, that is some lazy ass writing.

I could go on (another nice rant about another Joss show...), but I won't. I need to get back to the point...which is about the pointless show called LOST. After season one, everyone was speculating how it was going to end. And guess what??? Almost EVERYONE guessed that it would end up they were all dead...but then people starting scoffing because that would be copying The Six Sense, which by the way was Shyamalan's ONLY good film before he hired Mr. I'm a crazy angry man who claims to be a good Catholic but divorces his wife after getting a Russian lady pregnant and who is also anti-Semitic (all around good guy...what happened Mel? You were so sexy in Mad Max and so funny in Lethal Weapon and Maverick!). I think Shyamalan suffered the same disease the writers of LOST have-arrogance. He thought since he came up with such a mind bending ending anything he wrote after that would be pure gold because his mind was just awesome like that. He could literally take a dump on a paper and it would be magical. Nope. You poop on a page and all you have is a shitty page. LAME. SAUCE.

I can just see it now...The LOST writers sitting there all smug after Season 1, just knowing they are going to mess with everyone's mind and cause them to implode upon themselves with the totally awesome ending. And then everyone guesses the predictable ending...so they are like "Crap...I knew we shouldn't have watched The Sixth Sense that night before we wrote the pilot! Now what? We are committed!" "Oh well let's just throw in a bunch of random shit that really won't have anything to do with anything just to throw all those know-it-all viewers off. That will show them. IN YOUR FACE PEOPLE WHO HAVE COMMON SENSE!!!"

Sad thing is, I so wanted this to work. I wanted it to have meaning. I loved the characters and I wanted their journey to be full of purpose. We had been thru so much together. But half way thru, it started to feel like work. I felt committed and obligated to see it thru, just incase it turned around. It could, right? Turning on the show felt labored but what if this time it was different? I mean, after all the excitement, laughter, struggles, tears, and joy, I couldn't just walk away. It had to all be for something. That's why we watch (or read) anything. We want to have a meaningful experience (even if its laughing until you cry and fart jokes or being scared shitless by zombies eating brains). We open our eyes and ears to experience someone's storytelling, hoping that their characters touch us and in the end we leave with something more than we started with, whether it be a smile, tear, or a chuckle. Something that came to a completion (or at least a hint of a sequel) because we cared enough to finish it. But LOST took all of that and crapped on it. It was a wolf in sheep's clothing...or actually a sheep in a wolves clothing...pretending to be a cool and dangerous...and all you get is a white poofy wool sweater.

The whole going to heaven (or whatever) crap would have been lame no matter what (if I wanted to see that moving on to the afterlife crap I would watch Ghost Whisperer) but they could have lessened the blow. If it was about the characters like the writers claim (which you can tell is a lame excuse for lack of plot), you didn't need what appears to be some mega complex Arthur C. Clarke goes ultimate Heroes Journey-Joseph Campbell 6 year story-arch. Do individual, isolated story plots to develop the characters. I'm all for a character driven story, but don't throw in a bunch of random crazy twists you can't possibly explain if that's the case. I mean really? What was with Walt then, huh? Why was Aaron so evil?...Oh and why in the end during the "afterlife" churchy portion was he a baby? Why would he want to be back with the group as a baby? If he wanted to move on with those people, why not move on as an adult who can thank them for all their help they provided when he was an infant even though he COULDN'T REMEMBER IT SO I DOUBT HE WOULD NEED THEM! What was with the polar bear? Why did the island move around and why did Whitmore care? What was the purpose of the time traveling deal? The Darma Initiative? The whole magnetic soul of the island thing? Hell, the whole Jacob thing didn't make sense in the least bit! If it were all leading to something that would be cool, otherwise it's obvious the writers took a bunch of interesting ideas from random comics, shows, and movies and randomly crapped them out throughout the story just because it was "cool", not because it meant anything. Seriously. How did ANY of it tie together? I could go on but I need to stop. LOST already stole 6 years from me. They don't need any more!